Slayers 1/2
by VMegami
Summary: Imagine, if you will... part of the basic plot of Ranma 1/2... only it happens to the cast of Slayers! Rated PG-13 due to language...


El Demento presents  
The Slayers in  
"Slayers 1/2"  
by VampireMegami (Evy) and Chineko (Crys)  
Author's babble:   
  
Crys: In the beginning, there was cheese…  
  
Evy: But that has nothing to do with this story, so… let's get on to what this story is really about.  
  
Crys: Alright, alright… but seriously now, what really came first? The chicken or the egg?  
  
Evy: Crystal!!  
  
Crys: Alright! This is our fan fic, and if you don't like it, go to Hell.  
  
Evy: Crystal! That wasn't very nice!  
  
Crys: Sorry… I haven't had my normal Dr. Pepper dosage lately, so I'm a bit schitzo…  
  
Evy: Hon, that's not because of the lack of Dr. Pepper.  
  
Crys: Shut up. Anywho, if Evy's done mocking me…  
  
Evy: Which I'm not.  
  
Crys: Ahem Let's just start the story!  
  
Evy: Well, if someone hadn't brought up cheesy, egg-laying chickens, we could've been part way through this already!  
  
Crys: Nani?! Ah… nervous laugh On with the show!  
  
(In some unknown local, the Slayers group consisting of Lina, Gourry, and Zelgadis make their way through the forest to an area that will someday be known as the land of a thousand cursed springs- Jusenkyo.)  
  
Lina: Where the hell are we? We've been walking for days with no sign of civilization!  
  
Zel: Well, if someone hadn't eaten the map…  
  
Gourry: Gomen… I thought it was just some really tough pancake…  
  
Lina: (snaps) FIREBALL!!!  
  
(The blast of the fireball propels the guy gracefully snicker through the air.)  
  
Zel: That was really uncalled for.  
  
Lina: Want one too?!  
  
(But before Zel could share Gourry's fate, a splash is heard in the distance followed soon after by a woman's scream.)  
  
Zel: What the…  
  
Lina: What's Gourry gotten into this time?… Quick! Follow the trail of smoke!  
  
(They run down the path and into a clearing with a bunch of springs. Gourry is no where to be seen, but in his place is a young, red-headed woman who looks oddly familiar…)  
  
Lina: Uh… excuse me, miss…  
  
Girl: LINA! How could you?!  
  
Lina: Uh… do I know you? Do I owe you money? If so, then I'm not Lina…  
  
Zel: Wait… that can't be…  
  
Girl: Lina! I'm a chick!  
  
Lina: Gourry?! But… but… I only used a fireball! What… happened…?!  
  
Girl-Type Gourry: I don't know! I was me a few seconds ago! But… when I came out of the water… I was a chick!!  
  
Zel: Well, what do you know… even Gourry has bigger breasts than Lina…  
  
Lina: Why you!! (Kicks Zel into a nearby spring.)  
  
GT Gourry: I don't think you should have done that…  
  
Lina: Why not?!  
  
(Out of the spring Zel had just been kicked into, hops out a little blue bunny...)  
  
GT Gourry: Zel… Zel… Zelgadis?!  
  
Bunny-Type Zel: (in a high pitched voice) Out of all the things in the world… I had to become a cute, little bunny?!  
  
(At hearing Zelgadis talk with such a cute, high-pitched voice, Lina and Gourry could not contain their laughter.)  
  
Evy: Cut! Cut! Why the hell is Zelgadis talking like that?!  
  
Crys: Well… I thought the cute, lil', high-pitched voice would be perfect for Bunny Zel! Hey, at least I didn't say it was Xelloss' dub voice! Now that would be funny!  
  
Evy: No… that would be horrible, but since you put it that way, let's just keep the high-pitched voice.  
  
Crys: Good. I'm glad you see it my way.  
  
Evy: Okay… but if you get any letter bombs for this, it's your own fault.  
  
(And we continue. Lina and Gourry are still laughing. Zel tries to plead with them to stop, but this only escalates the laughter to such a point that Gourry hits Lina on the back a little too hard, which knocks her off balance and into one of the nearby springs.)  
  
GT Gourry: I hope she doesn't turn into anything with fangs or claws…  
  
BT Zel: …or appetites for little, blue bunnies…  
  
(As they imagine creatures with hideous limbs and multiple heads, something far worse than anything they could have imagined emerges from the water. That's right… it's… AMELIA!!!  
  
Amelia-Type Lina: Why do I have the sudden urge to make long, boring speeches about love and justice?!  
  
(Suddenly, a large CRACK is heard, as if a tree branch had snapped. They turn just in time to see a glimpse of a dark figure, with what looked like purple hair, crash into one of the springs…)  
  
GT Gourry: Was that…  
  
AT Lina: That couldn't have been…   
  
(They rush over to the spring that the mysterious man had fallen into.)  
  
GT Gourry: Come out, come out, whoever you are!  
  
AT Lina: Or whoever you were…  
  
(A short, bald Chinese man steps (?) out of the spring.)  
  
Chinese Man: (in strong, Chinese accent) Welcome to land of Thousand Curse-ed Spring- Jusenkyo.  
  
GT Gourry: Thousand curried spring of Shabranigdo?!  
  
C Man: (hits Gourry over the head with a sign) NO!!  
  
GT Gourry: I see…  
  
AT Lina: sigh Even as a girl he still can't get it right.  
  
BT Zel: Somethings never change.  
  
C Man: There are many, many spring here and each one have it own tragedy happen there.  
  
GT Gourry: But what about this tragedy?! I'm still a girl!!  
  
C Man: (hits GT Gourry over the head with a sign... again...) I explain now!  
  
AT Lina: He's good…  
  
C Man: Legend say that anyone who fall in spring take body of whatever drown there.  
  
AT Lina: If that's so then… Okay! Who drowned Amelia?!  
  
(Zel looks away sheepishly… well… as sheepishly as a bunny can, anyway…)  
  
GT Gourry: Just don't tell me that these (gestures toward breasts) are permanent!!  
  
AT Lina: Yeah, and we definitely don't need another "Miss Love and Justice" in this world.  
  
BT Zel: And I have to admit that being a chimera is better than being a cute, little bunny.  
  
Crys: Besides, Evy and all those other Zel fans out there would probably have to kill you if you said otherwise. Although, I think he looks a lot more adorable as a bunny…  
  
(A large crashing sound was heard.)  
  
Evy: That'll teach ya! Er… on with the story!  
  
C Man: Oh, do not worry sirs, effect can be reversed with hot water.  
  
BT Zel: Wait! But how do you know all this?  
  
C Man: Sore wa… himitsu desu! (disappears in a puff of smoke)  
  
GT Gourry: Na-na-nani?! Who?! What?!  
  
AT Lina: No time to think!  
  
BT Zel: Look who you're talking to…  
  
(An anvil falls on Bunny Zel's head.)  
  
Evy: Crystal, that was uncalled for. By the way, where did you get that anvil?  
  
Crys: Sore wa… himitsu desu!  
  
Evy: Oh no… now don't you start that too!  
  
Crys: Hee-hee… Well, if we keep this up, your darling Zel will never be his chimera self again.  
  
Evy: Ack! Quick! Quick! Get that bunny some hot water, ASAP!!  
  
The Slayers: TO THE BATHES!!  
  
(The group heads of to a nearby, inn which just happens to be nearby… uh… yeah… anyway, they headed straight for the public bathes. GT Gourry with BT Zel in his arms heads toward the male bathes.)  
  
Guy at bath: Er… miss… the female bathes are over in that direction. (points)  
  
GT Gourry: But… I'm not a… (looks down) Oh… I forgot… Er… Arigatou, sir, for telling me!!  
  
Guy: No problem!  
  
BT Zel: Now what? We can't use the female bathes…  
  
GT Gourry: (runs around frantically) Gotta find hot water!!! (Looks into the inn's kitchen area and spots a pot on the stove.) Ah ha! Hot water!  
  
BT Zel: That looks a little too hot…  
  
GT Gourry: Who cares?! I don't wanna be a girl!!  
  
(Before BT Zel could protest some more, GT Gourry pours the boiling hot liquid on the two of them.)  
  
Both: scream IT HURTS!!!  
  
Zel: Currently in Gourry's arms) I'm not a bunny!  
  
Crys: Damn! (A crashing sound is heard… again.)  
  
Gourry: (drops Zel) And I'm not a girl!! WOO-HOO!!! (does a little dance)  
  
Zel: Ya could've warned me you were gonna drop me!!  
  
Gourry: Whoops… gomen ne!… But… Zel… I thought you were blue… not red…  
  
Zel: That was boiling hot water!  
  
Gourry: I thought hot water was supposed to turn you back…  
  
Zel: You know what? Don't think.  
  
Gourry: Gotcha!  
  
Evy: Whoa… I just realized that Gourry had 2 thoughts in a row…(claps)  
  
Crys: And I just realized that you wish to be hurt really badly…  
  
Evy: Uh… See Ya!! (runs off in opposite direction)  
  
Crys: Ha Ha! You can run, but you can't hide! I've got heat-seeking anvils! Er… on with the story! (to Evy) GET BACK HERE!!! (runs off)  
  
(A faint crashing sound is heard in the distance followed by some… uh… "colorful" language…)  
  
Zel: Hmm… I wonder if Lina is herself again…  
  
Ominous Voice from Above: Let's find out, shall we? The scene changes to the female bathes! All you youngsters look away now… as for me… heh-heh drools  
  
AT Lina: Knock it off, will ya?! HENTAI!!! (Throws bucket at the Voice from Above)  
  
OVFA: OW! MY EYES!!  
  
AT Lina: That'll teach ya! Ahh… now for a relaxing soak in the bathes. (Takes off towel and looks down at chest) I'm really gonna miss these…  
  
(AT Lina steps slowly into the bath and is suddenly herself again, much to the surprise of the others in the bath.)  
  
Lina: Oh, what are you staring at?! Sheesh! People these days!  
  
(Suddenly the doors burst open and Gourry rushes in, dragging poor Zelgadis behind him.)  
  
Gourry: Lina! Are you. you again?  
  
(But, before Lina could answer, a barrage of buckets go flying at Gourry & Zel… and the buckets just happen to be filled with cold water…)  
  
Lina: BAKA MITAI!! (Looks up to see Gourry & Zel back in chick and bunny forms respectively.) What the…  
  
GT Gourry: I'm a chick again! (cries) What happened?!  
  
BT Zel: This… is pathetic…  
  
GT Gourry: Damn it, Lina! This is all your fault!  
  
Lina: My fault?! Hey! You're the one who waltzed on in here!  
  
GT Gourry: Oh, yeah…  
  
Girl at Bath: I'm sorry, ma'am, we thought you were a guy…  
  
Girl #2: Oh! How cute! Is this bunny your's? (picks up BT Zel)  
  
BT Zel: Help…  
  
GT Gourry: I… I… er… (Turns to Lina) Do you think pink's my color?  
  
Lina: What?!  
  
GT Gourry: Um… nevermind.  
  
(Bunny Zel jumps out of Girl#2's hands and onto GT Gourry's shoulder.)  
  
BT Zel: (in Gourry's ear) I have a plan to get us out of this! Listen up…(starts to whisper)  
  
Girl#1: Why don't you get out of those clothes and get cleaned up?  
  
GT Gourry: Oh… I was going to, but it's so crowded in here… and, uh… I'm a bit bashful… I'll just come back later.  
  
(They run out of there.)  
  
GT Gourry: phew Good thinking, Zel!  
  
BT Zel: Well, let's see if the kitchen has anymore hot water…  
  
(A couple hours later, the Slayers are talking in their room at the inn.)  
  
Lina: This has been one extremely lousy day!  
  
Evy: Well, does anyone ever have a good day in an El Demento fic?  
  
Lina: (glares) FLARE ARROW!!!  
  
Evy: Ack! (explosion is heard)  
  
Crys: Nice dodge! I never knew people could dodge like that!  
  
Evy: Neither did I…  
  
Zel: Anyway, we need to find a cure for this!  
  
Gourry: Doesn't it always seem like we're looking for some kind of cure?  
  
Crys: Yeah! And it's always Zel's fault! (cue large explosion)  
  
Lina: What we need is more info…  
  
Gourry: Yeah… where's that weird Chinese guy when ya need him?  
  
(Speak of the Devil… the Chinese man suddenly appears in a puff of smoke.)  
  
C Man: Greetings, sirs!  
  
Lina: Ack! Don't do that! You're as annoying as a certain Mozaku I know!  
  
Gourry: Yeah… except he never hit me over the head with a sign…  
  
Lina: (to C man) Listen up! We need info! Has there ever been word of a cure for this curse?!  
  
C Man: Oh, yes, sirs.  
  
Zel: Really? Can you tell us where we can find it?  
  
C Man: Well, sirs, sore wa himitsu desu!  
  
Lina: (enraged) NANI?!  
  
(Suddenly there's a knock at the door.)  
  
Voice: Room service!  
  
Zel: sigh At a time like this…  
  
Lina: Come in!  
  
(A young girl carrying a pot of tea enters. She walks into the room and predictably trips, pouring the hot water on the Chinese man.)  
  
Girl: Ah! Gomen nasai, sir!  
  
(But, the Chinese man is no longer there, in his place stands our old buddy, Xelloss.)  
  
Crys: Who saw that one coming?  
  
Everyone reading this: WE DID!!!  
  
Evy: Y'know… that was way too predictable… gomen!  
  
Crys: Back to the mayhem!  
  
Gourry: Hmm… now Xelloss is all red…  
  
Lina: Gourry! What the Hell are you talking about?!  
  
Gourry: Uh… nevermind…  
  
Xelloss: Well, it seems like my cover's blown, so… how's it goin'?  
  
Lina: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!  
  
Gourry: Yeah! Spill the beans!  
  
(A loud fart is heard)  
  
Zel: YUCK! He said "spill the beans" not "cut the cheese"!  
  
Evy: Anyways… Xelloss, you were about to… uh… "spill the beans".  
  
Crys: Mmm… beans…  
  
Evy: (thwacks Crystal) Uh… sorry… reflex.  
  
Zel: Sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you two to leave.  
  
Crys: Oh, right… Beans…  
  
Evy: sigh C'mon, Crystal. Let's go.  
  
Crys: Fine! But remember, Zel, I can wipe you from our fan fic's existence! (evil laughter)  
  
Evy: Uh… no you can't.  
  
(They leave)  
  
Xelloss: My, that was fun, but… yawn I'm sleepy, so… (starts to walk toward the door)  
  
Lina: (blocks door) Oh, no you don't, Demon-boy… unless you want a flare arrow up your ass!!  
  
Xel: Demon? I'm no mere demon! Why, I'm one of the many demons that… (anvil falls from above)  
  
Evy: How?  
  
Crys: All in good time, my dear. All in good time.  
  
Gourry: So, Xel… you gonna talk?!  
  
(Suddenly, Xel turns into a different Chinese monk, this one light blue hair tied back in a pony-tail with fluffy[?] bangs in the front.)  
  
Monk: I'm not this Xel, no da.  
  
All: NANI?!  
  
Monk: My name is Chichiri, no da. Your pal ran off the other way and asked me to take his place, no da.  
  
Lina: Why that-  
  
Zel: Now, now. There's no need for violence.  
  
Lina: Who asked you?!  
  
(She throws a pitcher of cold water on Zel… Who returns to his innocent bunny form.)  
  
BT Zel: Now that was uncalled for…  
  
GT Gourry: Yeah! You didn't have to hit me, too… I didn't do anything!!!  
  
Lina: Whoops…  
  
(Cold water mysteriously laughs pours from above onto Lina's head. Suddenly, Lina's not Lina anymore, but is now Amelia.)  
  
AT Lina: What the hell?!  
  
BT Zel: Well, you had it coming…  
  
GT Gourry: But, how…?  
  
(Evil laughter is heard followed by Crystal and Evy's presence.)  
  
Crys: We couldn't help ourselves.  
  
BT Zel: Well, if you did that, then turn us back!  
  
Evy: Sorry! All outta hot water!  
  
AT Lina: Somehow, I don't believe you…  
  
Crys: Are you guys looking for Xelloss?  
  
BT Zel: Possibly…  
  
AT Lina: What the bunny meant to say is: WHERE THE HELL IS THE FREAK?!  
  
Chichiri: DAAA!!!  
  
GT Gourry: What is it?  
  
Chichiri: I sense your friend's ki, no da… he isn't far…  
  
AT Lina: Oooookaaaay… You're just as weird as him!  
  
Chichiri: I try, no da.  
  
BT Zel: So… where is he?  
  
Chichiri: Kareoke, na no da!  
  
AT Lina: I think this day just got worse…  
  
Evy: Don't say we didn't warn ya!  
  
AT Lina: Oh, shut up…  
  
Chichiri, Well, see ya later, no da! poof (he disappears)  
  
GT Gourry: Whoa…  
  
BT Zel: Oh, don't act so surprised. Xelloss does it all the time.  
  
GT Gourry: Oh yeah… Well, I guess to the kareoke bar it is! And if the weird guy is correct, Xelloss should be there!  
  
(And so, they venture into the unknown, into the Hell we call… "kareoke"…)  
  
GT Gourry: (jumps into AT Lina's arms) I'm scared!  
  
AT Lina: Get off! You're heavy!  
  
GT Gourry: (jumps off) Are you saying I'm fat? `Cuz if you are, you should just come out and say it!  
  
BT Zel: Oh, knock it off! We're here. Now, one of you will have to open the door, for as you can see, I'm a little short changed…  
  
GT Gourry: At least you're potty trained.  
  
BT Zel: Watch it! I may be a bunny, but I still have a nasty bite! Grrr  
  
Evy: Ah… I can't handle my poor Zel being reduced to such measures! (pours hot water on him)  
  
Zel: Thanks! (opens door and walks in)  
  
AT Lina: Hey! What about me?!  
  
Evy: Whoops! (runs)  
  
Lina: Yeah, you better run!  
  
Zel: (comes out laughing) Will you two get in here?! It's hilarious!  
  
AT Lina: What's he so happy about?  
  
GT Gourry: (shrugs) Do we really want to know?  
  
Crys: Oh, just go in, will ya?  
  
GT Gourry: Okay! (skips on in)  
  
(AT Lina and GT Gourry follow Zel in to find… Xelloss onstage singing showtunes! Apparently, he's had one to many drinks…)  
  
Zel: Hilarious, ne?  
  
AT Lina: Oh, my…  
  
GT Gourry: Hey! I know this song!!! (He runs up on stage to help Xelloss sing their rendition of "I Feel Pretty".)  
  
Zel: laugh And it just got better!  
  
(However, AT Lina didn't look too amused, and was in fact turning different shades of red…)  
  
Crys: And this time it's not because of the hot water!  
  
(Evy promptly thwacked her. The Xelloss and GT Gourry duet continued until finally, AT Lina simply snapped.)  
  
AT Lina: That's it!! FIRE BALL!!!  
  
(AT Lina blasted the stage, sending the singing duo through the roof and into lands unknown.)  
  
Zel: Y'know, Lina… you've been exceedingly violent throughout this entire fic…  
  
AT Lina: Well, how do you think you'd feel if you constantly changed into Miss "Love and Justice", huh? Turning into a little bunny is nothing compared to this… (she turns toward the writers) and this is all your fault!  
  
Evy: Uh… oh…  
  
Crys: Uh… it was all Ev's idea! (she runs away… fast!)  
  
AT Lina: FIRE…  
  
Evy: Well… uh… ya see, I… eh… Bye-Bye! (she also runs away very quickly)  
  
AT Lina: BALL!!!  
  
(A large blast is heard, soon followed by two screams.)  
  
AT Lina: Grrrr… who's next?!  
  
(Zel backs away… slowly… and Evy and Crystal return, slightly crispy…)  
  
Evy: We have come to appease your wrath.   
  
(Hot water suddenly dumps on AT Lina.)  
  
Lina: Hmph! `Bout time!  
  
Crys: Why couldn't I have just dropped an anvil on her head?  
  
Evy: Two reasons. One: she would've Dragon Slaved your ass once you woke up and two: you still haven't told me where the Hell those things come from!!!  
  
Crys: That's for me to know and for you to agonize over! Mwahahahahahaaaa!!!  
  
Evy: Oh, yeah?! Just for that… I'm ending the fic.  
  
Crys: What?!  
  
Lina: Finally!  
  
Zel: Thank God!  
  
Evy: You're not off the hook, yet! If people like this one enough, there will be sequels!!  
  
Lina: NOOOO!!!  
  
Zel: (to the readers) Uh… you hate it, right? RIGHT?!  
  
Crys: Bye-bye!  
  
(The scene fades to black as the fic finally ends. However, GT Gourry is seen wondering through the infinite darkness…)  
  
GT Gourry: Hello? Hellooo?! Anybody out there? It's lonely in here… I'm really hungry!!! (looks down) And I'm still a chick!!!  
  
THE END  
Finished Nov 1999  



End file.
